If Men Ruled the World…
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
- Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
- Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking.
- Mother’s Day, too.
- St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
- “Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would reduce your fine. As in:
- Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
- Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.